Transference in actionOverview

Transference is reacting to others the way we learned to react to our parents.

We’re usually not aware when we go into Transference and automatically react out of our patterns. When we’re triggered into transference, we see the person through the lens of our own childhood, and leap into making assumptions about them (their thoughts, feelings and behaviour), sometimes even choosing to disregard any evidence to the contrary.

When we’re in transference, it’s as if we’ve put a cardboard cut-out of mum, dad or our surrogates in front of someone else, and we play out our own negative patterns around them. A good phrase to remember about transference is, ‘If you spot it, you’ve got it.’ Transference is rarely ever ‘all about’ the other person; it’s usually a lot more to do with us!

Working with Transference after The Essentials

The most common indicator that we are in transference is that we feel ‘charged’.  We might feel overly annoyed by some interaction with, or observation of, another person and can’t easily move on from the annoyance.

When you notice that you are having transference reactions, it helps to write it all out so you can track your reactions and the corresponding patterns that you go into. You can download a worksheet to help you with that, here.

The aim here is to gain awareness of your own reactions, and to get clear about your patterns. Simply write out the transference and observe your own reactivity. Do not deliver it to the person!

Transference isn’t always negative.

We can also be in Positive Transference, where we see the other person as ‘better than’ ourselves. This still sends us into negative patterns – so work with it in the same way.

Here are a few examples of different types of transference to consider:

  • making instant assumptions or judgements upon first meeting someone (good or bad)
  • wanting to take care or protect someone
  • feeling that you are less (or more) than another person, or that you feel intimated by them
  • wanting to gain someone’s attention, or feeling they are not giving you enough attention

Once you’ve become aware of the patterns by completing the Transference template, you can then use the tools and practices to de-energise them and have a choice to respond differently.

By doing so, you’ll be able to see the person for who they are, and either realise that your perception of their behaviour was inaccurate,  and be at ease with them, or to recognise that the person was behaving in the way you perceived them to be, however not to react, be objective and manage your time around them.

Some notes on transference

  • Transference isn’t gender specific.
  • Because transference is rooted in our childhood with mum and dad, it often happens around figures of authority.
  • We can’t avoid transference. It is inevitable, a normal part of the human experience. What we can do is practice awareness and work through our reactivity.

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