The Hoffman Process changed my life for the better and I am so grateful. I can honestly say that it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but simultaneously the most rewarding. The first few days were really difficult, but all the pain I experienced in that time was worth it to feel how I felt at the end. I knew this was my big chance to really help myself and I can honestly say I have never felt prouder of myself. I credit the facilitators for helping me stay the course – they were fantastic. They saw through my defences, knowing that I was exactly where I needed to be.
I felt particularly supported in relation to my ADHD. When certain tasks overwhelmed me, they provided me with the tools to work in a way that suited my brain best. This helped me to feel really seen and heard. As the week progressed and I worked on the trauma I had stored, I noticed the frequency and intensity of certain ADHD traits had eased, which has continued post-Process.
There were still several moments in the course when I thought ‘I just can’t do this’. However, I found the strength to face my biggest demons. Actually, the more fear I experienced, the more incredible I felt afterwards – as if I had been liberated. There was one particular moment when we were doing work on our inner critic when I realised for the first time ever that it wasn’t my dad’s voice speaking to me anymore. The feeling of release was enormous. I remember thinking ‘he can’t hurt us anymore, we are free’. Everything changed after that. It was like a gigantic hole had opened up inside me and I finally had the space to let the good stuff in.
When I reflect back over the week, there are some magical moments that felt spiritual in nature. In one of the outdoor sessions, I was followed by two butterflies around the lake (my deceased paternal grandparents had always likened themselves to butterflies) and they landed on a purple flower. The colour purple was the favourite colour of my best friend who had passed away years ago. This was one of the most symbolic moments for me. It was in that moment that I felt a weight lift, and an internal shift – a sense that a cycle had ended – and an experience of great peace, healing and joy.
I found it interesting that quite a lot of the concepts we were exposed to on the course were things I was already familiar with. However, the way that the course is designed and the elements are woven together makes everything just ‘click’.
After the last exercise on the final evening, I have never felt so high in my life. The other people on the course even commented that I looked physically different – both in my face and demeanour. I certainly felt different on the inside. I’d let go of the anger, and reached a place of stillness – it was everything I have always wanted yet had never thought possible.
I have to mention the group itself. The Process was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and this was partly due the power and support from the others in the group, who held me in some of my toughest moments and biggest breakthroughs. I had been resistant to group work for a long time but I couldn’t believe how safe and comfortable I felt with them so quickly. And it’s not all about the dark stuff – you really do experience the full range of emotions on the course, including pure joy and laughter. One day in particular will be etched into my memory forever; the exercises we did really allowed myself (and the group) to get back in touch with my/our inner child and experience the freedom that comes with this. It was just the best day ever.
The ‘new me’ has been put to the test a lot this year. One romantic relationship didn’t work out, but it didn’t destabilise me like before. My mum was also very ill and hospitalised but it didn’t traumatise me like it would have done before. Now I feel I’ve got new neural pathways and I don’t experience the same trauma responses. My approach to dating and relationships with men is much healthier. I’m actually in a new relationship for the first time in years. Dismantling old defences made me hungry for deep, genuine connection which led me to re-evaluate and re-negotiate almost all of the relationships in my life. I noticed what I had outgrown and where I want to invest my energy. I have enjoyed showing friends my true self, and starting a new chapter prioritising stronger, authentic connections.
With regards to my family, there have been positive steps forward with everyone. My relationship with my Mum in particular has improved. We don’t have the same ‘blow ups’ anymore and it feels much steadier. I am much more patient and compassionate towards her now as I can recognise and appreciate the journey of her own inner child.
From a decidedly wobbly start, the Process was life-enhancing in so many ways and turned out to be everything that I needed at precisely the time I needed it. I am extremely grateful for my facilitators who worked with me and encouraged me to stay the course, and to my Hoffman family for helping me learn to smile again. I will also be eternally grateful for the scholarship that I was awarded, without which I would have struggled to afford to do the Process.
Since doing the Process, it feels like everything has changed. The Process was a springboard for action and gave me the impetus to finally move forward with my life – like waking up from suspended animation. The most significant change is probably my move from London to Manchester. This is a move I’ve wanted to make for a long time but I’d been too scared to take the leap. I’ve now qualified as a neurodiversity coach and have been loving supporting people in their own journey towards self-awareness, acceptance and action. I stopped drinking just before the Process and have carried on with that after enjoying the sense that I was finally comfortable just as myself. My overall level of self-care has improved significantly and I generally feel more grounded and present than ever before.
Thank you to Leah for sharing her Process Story. You can read more stories from people who have done the Hoffman Process here
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