If there’s one thing that Hoffman taught me, it’s that hope lies within us. It is not some abstract concept, but something we can access at the most difficult of times; and I’ve had more than my fair share of those.
I thought I was familiar with the pain that comes from living through challenging circumstances. My mum died when I was 30; I was bereft and had no idea what I was going to do. I buried myself in work, as I felt that could control that. Grief was unpredictable, but work was my anchor.
My default was to intellectualise and numb the pain through ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’. Dark days were consistent, and I just accepted I may never feel happy again – that felt like the truest thing in the world to me at the time. Little did I know what was ahead.
Fast-forward 17 years. I have 2 beautiful daughters, Tilly (8) and Thea (10). Tilly was diagnosed with Rett Syndrome at 18 months old; a rare, life-limiting neurological condition which means she needs 24-hour care. When my Mum passed, I thought I knew pain; but when something profound happens to your child and you can’t do a thing to fix it, that pain is off the scale. All the coping mechanisms I’d learnt from grieving collapsed in the face of such a significant diagnosis for my child. Life became unpredictable, challenging and hectic.
Numbing can work in the face of devastation, but only for so long. Work as a coping mechanism can sustain you for a while, but emotions have a way of breaking through the ‘doing’ barriers.
Hoffman had been lurking in the back of my mind for a while. The Process was mentioned to me following my mum’s death, but it felt too out-of-reach then. It came back into my awareness last year, and it just seemed to be the right time to do it.
After Tilly had a major operation I had gone freelance and given up a secure income, and was unsure whether I could justify the expense. I was looking at the Hoffman website and saw information about scholarships, which I hadn’t realised existed. I applied and was delighted to receive an award.
The Hoffman Process digs deep into who you are and who you were when you were a child. In my case, a sensible, measured little girl; one of eight siblings who always tried to behave so she didn’t add any more to her mum’s stress levels
I realised that this behaviour was still playing out in my adult life as patterns of suppressing and numbing; these had become my default mode. Suddenly I could see that this was not a healthy option when bringing up two daughters. What was I modelling to them? That realisation was the start of unravelling many things over the course of that week.
Hoffman challenged me to get out of my comfort zones and I’ve carried its lessons forward into my day-to-day life. I now put myself forward for things I wouldn’t have done before and I do believe that comes from stretching myself daily during the course. I’ve since delivered a training course to 40 delegates and finished and passed a specialist communications course.
At an overall level it has brought me more confidence. For example, although I regularly advise others how to use their voice professionally, I realised how rarely I was using mine. Now I’ve got the confidence to voice my opinions, especially in the world of life-limiting conditions. Advocating for vulnerable, poorly children without a voice is something I feel very passionately about and am brave enough to do now.
I also know when to let the playful side of myself out and know when it is being strangled by my intellect’s instinct to prioritise responsibility over self-resource. Another big learning for me was acknowledging the importance of self-care in my life. Previously, I had never thought to put my needs first and how not doing that was neither serving myself or my family. I now go to a hotel once a month, just for one night, to have time on my own. I can’t begin to describe how this charges my batteries and models to the girls how vital and important self-care is. I show myself compassion and understanding, a first for me.
Prioritising myself means I can now be more present and more relaxed. Consciously choosing to be present with the girls means that I face my emotions and process them, instead of running away and intellectualising them. I can be a mum and not lost in worry as to how my upbringing might be impacting my parenting.
Looking at your patterns is the backbone of the Process, and I can honestly say that recognising my patterns and working on them has been a game-changer for me. I know I will continue to feel the ripple effects throughout my life.
The Process week is great – but the rewards are even greater if you keep up the work afterwards. I now do a daily check-in using the Hoffman Quad Check tool. When people ask how I find the time, I tell them it’s only 10 minutes! If I can find the time when Tilly has 24-hour care needs, then anyone can.
I’m proud to have just married my partner of 17 years. When you have a child with complex needs, the rate of relationship breakdowns is more than 80% and a wedding was never really on the agenda, but it now feels the most natural thing in the world. I know how lucky we are to be stronger despite all our challenges – and to have the confidence to do it our way. Wearing jeans to my wedding is something I wanted to do but would never have been brave enough to do before Hoffman. Doing what felt true to me despite social norms felt scary but fabulous – and that’s how I feel about my life all the time now. Making a choice to be authentic, despite the patterns and nervousness; I would never have dared to be ‘different’ before.
I said in my scholarship application that I wanted to help other parents navigating the path of devastating diagnosis by writing a book about my experiences and what has helped me. I’m now writing that book, aimed at helping parents of children diagnosed with life-limiting complex conditions.
Even after intolerable pain you can live a life of joy again, of hope and happiness and come back from life-changing news. It is possible, it is achievable, and if I can do it, anyone can. The word hope will be in the book title.
Hoffman gave me my feelings back, and the strength to live my life authentically, accountable to myself. Doing the Process was a leap of faith, a hope that it would help me navigate the unknown and help me to feel again, not numb out. It has done that and more, because we need all of our feelings – but especially hope.
You can read more about Dee and her work on her website here
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