Fix yourself and the rest will  follow, says Red’s agony aunt, psychotherapist Philippa Perry

Q: It’s sunny outside, and summer –which should be fun, and a source of anticipation and happiness –has, as usual, brought home the reality that something is wrong with my life. Most nights, I lie awake crying into the early hours. 

I’m 40 and have a demanding full-time job that takes from me emotionally as well as time-wise. What job doesn’t? But, over the past couple of years, as soon as I’ve finished work for a break or holiday, I become extremely depressed and tearful, full of angst and dread. I can’t wait for the stress of work to stop, but the run-up to a holiday is so pressured, it almost negates having time off. Then, once I’m on holiday, I feel desperately anxious. 

I think it’s because work has become the most important thing in my life. When the structure and routine of work aren’t there for longer than a weekend, it’s almost as if I can’t cope.

It could also be partly because when I have time to myself, the fact that I don’t have children hits home. I have a long-term partner and would love to be married, but he shows no sign of it. The reality of our choice not to have children causes me a huge amount of pain. I no longer look forward to spending time off with my partner. Whether he is the cause or effect of these bad feelings, I don’t know. 

I have lovely friends, plenty of interests and I treasure my wonderful parents. But even that has a downside: it makes me fearful of the future when they’re not here, knowing I’ll never be able to share what I have with them with children of my own. What can I do?

Anonymous, via email

A: Everyone needs people they think of as a human home. The people we go to when we have news or need comfort. These people are our significant others, sometimes known as ‘attachment figures’. 

A lot of us are able to take our tribe for granted, however it’s made up. It might be parents – it sounds like it is for you – or siblings, children, wider family, a close-knit group of friends or sometimes just a partner. I expect on some level, perhaps even unconsciously, you believed children would fulfil this need for attachment figures as you got older. Now you know this isn’t going to happen, it’s put you in a spin. You can ignore it at work, but when it’s time for a break? You panic. 

You have good friends, interests, but somehow no real anchor apart from your parents. Is this perhaps why you want to be married; not because you enjoy your partner’s company but for the security that you will have a ‘next of kin’ when your parents pass on? 

Not enjoying his company could also be to do with your building resentment, feeling the choice you made was more his choice than yours. Or that he hasn’t read you on the marriage question and so fulfilled your need for more security. This might be difficult for you to articulate; it may make you feel too vulnerable. It may be you are ideal partners but the important things left unsaid are stopping you feeling close at the moment. 

I can only guess from your email what might be going on. But whatever the cause of your turmoil, stop trying to squash it with work and use your holiday to unpack it. Go on a therapeutic holiday, ideally with group therapy, either with your partner or without him. I recommend hoffmaninstitute.co.uk or the Skyros Life Choices programme (skyros.com).

At the moment, it sounds as if you fear your emotions. But I want you to learn to use them as pointers, helping you decide what to do next. I even want you to make friends with your needs and vulnerability so you don’t dread having time with yourself. When you can do that, you give yourself the chance to feel closer to others and therefore more secure in your life. 

Finally, if, unconsciously, you did believe a child would have been an attachment figure for you, remember there’s never any guarantee life would have turned out like that.