Are you tired of people asking: ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’ It seems you’re expected to have a plan. But what if a traditional Christmas doesn’t work for you? Maybe there are family estrangements or you’re facing your first Christmas without a loved one. We posed this question to author and former agony aunt Lesley Garner who did the Hoffman Process in 2003. Her wise and accessible writings such as ‘Everything I’ve ever Done that Worked’, ‘Everything I’ve ever Learned about Change’ and ‘Everything I’ve ever Learned about Love’ are on the Hoffman books page and she’s contributed to Louise Hay’s inspirational book: The Times of Our Lives. Read on for her advice on reinventing Christmas:
It’s only a day. But it’s only a day freighted with a year’s worth of expectation. If you’re five then you expect that Santa Claus will visit you. How charming it is to see children so excited and, if they’re lucky, rewarded with the bulky stocking and the mysteriously wrapped presents. Don’t laugh at, or even with, the children. We’re all five years old when it comes to Christmas Day. No matter how sophisticated, how world weary and world beaten, our inner child wants love, acceptance, fulfillment, magic, our wishes to come true. And if you want this spelt out, at some level we all want gold, frankincense and myrrh delivered by kings and shepherds with a choir of angels thrown in. And an adoring mother and a protective daddy. Oh and please can we have peace on earth and goodwill to all men. Thank you.
My friends, if you want a truly happy Christmas, lose the expectations and begin with what is real. The rock bottom ingredients of a fulfilling Christmas aren’t presents and mince pies and twinkly Christmas trees, lovely though these are. They are peace, goodwill and a recognition of the gifts in your life. How you celebrate these is up to you but given thoughtfulness and creativity it can be done. You can still be happy but your happiness will be grounded. The true art of a happy Christmas is the art of flexible reinvention. I’ve had to learn this myself in my own life. So have thousands, millions of people.
Changing Focus
How do we create the perfect family Christmas when families are broken and separated? With a lot of diplomacy, listening and, probably, travelling. How do we match the abundant Christmases of the television campaigns when we are stretched for cash? With creativity, charity and, probably, open discussion beforehand. How do we survive on our own when Christmas seems to be all about reunions? By changing the focus, by widening the circle of people who might like to share our Christmas, by stepping out to help others, or, by discovering that solitude can be a Christmas gift as precious as alcohol-fuelled goodwill.
When I wrote an advice column for the Daily Telegraph I always liked to hear people’s survival tips for Christmas and one of my favourites came from a woman called Belinda.
“I’m elderly,” she wrote, “ and I enjoy my lone Christmas! I would so like to make this fact public and ‘sounded out to all lands.” Why is it treated as an appalling misfortune to be alone at Christmas, I wonder. It can be degrading to have to accept the hospitality of others and of course one has to have proper presents for everyone. Children, not their fault, are at their worst at Christmas. So what do I do? I go to mass. I write letters to dear old pals. The world is quiet and I don’t have to endure horrible food. It’s nice of people to think that, because I’m single and childless, I’d adore to help with grandchildren. No thanks! All loners at Christmas should be glad!”
Other readers, and friends, recommend volunteering with the homeless, a day of quiet retreat, or literally taking to the hills with a backpack and, sometimes, like-minded friends. There is nothing wrong with running away entirely. Where the year has been traumatic it can help to get on a plane and remove yourself from any painful reminders of happier times. Post divorce or bereavement it can be wise, not weak-willed, to sweep the family off to a tropical beach rather than feel gloomy in front of a Christmas tree. Absences will become less painful with a lot of time but you can lessen these hurts by changing the scene.
Of course some people like to be invited round for Christmas and my tip is that an outsider is a wonderful addition to a family Christmas. An extra person makes everyone else behave better. One year we scooped up a young friend whose mother had died and didn’t want Christmas at all but she was persuaded we’d be low key and we spent the day in pyjamas, vegging in front of the turkey and the telly. I think she was glad she’d survived. We were certainly very glad she’d come.
Communicating and Compromising
In a sequence of Christmases following the break up of our marriage my husband and I stuck together with the children through Christmas at friends’ houses, Christmas with friends we’d invited, Christmas with my parents and extra friends to ease any awkwardness, Christmas just with my parents and then with just the children and each year it got easier and easier. This year, though we separated twenty years ago, we’ll be together in a house in Scotland with children and now grandchildren, with lots of close family round the corner. From dreading it we’ve come to loving it.
Presents are something that need to be talked about because people have different attitudes and different budgets. All the awkwardness is in doing too much or too little. The pile of presents under the tree is a gorgeous thing and it’s lovely to have things to unwrap but they don’t have to be big. It’s very good to give money away. Some people, especially children, are childlike about presents and really love to give and receive. Others – me, I think, don’t actually need anything, and would be happy with a fixed price limit or money given to charity. But I’ve learned that the urge to give is important and even though we all swear to austerity every Christmas we never quite make it because the impulse that says ‘that would be the perfect gift for X’, should always be given into.
Seven Tips For a Happy Christmas
- Be flexible and creative. At Christmas, more than any other time of year, the perfect is the enemy of the good.
- Stick to your budget. Don’t be pressured by advertising or guilt into spending more than you can afford.
- Don’t expect other people to supply your perfect ingredient. If, for you, Christmas isn’t Christmas without Christmas carols, your favourite party game or the best champagne then organize it yourself. Everyone has different ideas. Don’t be disappointed if people don’t share your ideas. It doesn’t matter.
- Expect nothing. People don’t suddenly change their behavior so it’s futile to be disappointed if they let you down. Take a deep breath. Smile. You can only control your own reaction. Be the calm one in the room (OK. If you’re the one pulling the Christmas dinner out of the oven and everything has to be perfect at the same time you’re allowed a moment of fluster.) It will all be over by bedtime and you can congratulate yourself for surviving.
- Don’t forget the peace and goodwill. For me the crucial moments at Christmas are the quiet ones. Silence when the stockings are filled. Quiet in church before the carols start. The peace of a country walk when everyone’s been cooped up indoors.
- Get outside. People spend too long indoors at Christmas. Spirits will be lifted, tempers calmed, cheeks made rosy by a bracing walk.
- Be grateful. However it was, you’ve survived. You did your best. If you were lucky it was wonderful and wonderful for those around you. Be sure to reflect on and say thank you for the good things.
Article by Lesley Garner
Lesley is currently taking a break from journalism to focus on writing a childhood memoir. In the meantime, to read more of her work, you can visit her website: www.lesleygarner.com
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